Second Times a Charm?

I've just completed my first week back in treatment. Hi I'm Stacey, and I have binge eating disorder (just like the meetings right?). I'm doing IOP (intensive outpatient program) again. My eating disorder was disrupting my life. I fell off my recovery horse, and now I'm hopping back on that bad boy! Recovery is a crooked road, right? That's what they say anyway. I'm pretty sure my road made a pit stop in no mans land for a little while.

I've been struggling with the thought of "second time around" when I first went PHP (partial hospitalization) where I stayed about a month (it's expensive) I met a lot of people who where not only in for a second time, but they've been in multiple times. "What?" I thought. They already knew what it was. They knew why they were struggling and how to fix it. Why couldn't they just 'get it' the first time? I told myself "only once for me! Now that I know I have an eating disorder, now that I've learned about them and how to fix it, this will be it!"... HA. Wanna hear God laugh? Tell him your plans.

Turns out this isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It seems silly to think of it that way, but I honestly thought I'd be an exception. That, somehow, 20 years of an eating disorder would just melt away with a little explaining and knowledge on the subject. NOPE. I was treated for 6 months ( PHP and IOP) in Arizona. I've since moved back to Maryland. I spent a good 4 months at my mother house (trigger central) It's been a year since I lived with her, and I feel like I regressed to the beginning of my recovery again. The only difference is this time I KNOW I have an eating disorder, and what it means to have one. This puts me at a pretty good advantage, now I just have to get my behaviors under control.

I guess what I'm getting to here how making the phone call felt like admitting defeat. That my ED won. Little does my eating disorder know, picking up the phone was the strongest thing I've done in a year and a half. Well I think Ed is onto me, my behaviors have increased because Ed feels threatened. Things usually get harder before they get better. Recovery Road took a sharp left today but I know in my heart it will straighten out. I know because I will make it straighten out.



No where worth getting to was an easy journey.