Perfectly imperfect

I've had an eating disorder as long as I can remember, I've lived this way my entire live and I've never been actually happy. Ive had moments of joy of course everyone has, but ED has always been lurking around in my head reminding me that if only I was skinny it would make my life better. ED tells me my life hasn't really started until my body is perfect. I'll start again on Monday. THIS year.. Will be MY year, I'll finally get skinny, then.. THEN I'll be happy. If I've learned anything from my friends is recovery it's, Skinny doesn't make you happy. It's never enough, its never perfect. Did you know, perfect isn't even real? Did you know that? Nothing is actually perfect. PERFECT is a figment of your imagination... It was put there by society to make you buy things, and always leave you wanting more. To keep you unsatisfied and discontent. I've learned A LOT since I first realized I have Binge Eating Disorder in 2012, and the main thing is that perfect is bullshit. Nope, perfect isn't real.

Imperfection however is something I've come to enjoy. Imperfection is something we can grasp, not only that, but something we should embrace. It's my imperfections that make me unique, make me whole, make me.... Stacey. Stacey is the ONLY person I want to be. I mean come on, I think I'm pretty rad. I'm learning to focus on the things about myself that I like. Things that set me apart of others. Yes, as of right now ok talking about my physical body (AWKWARD) I have a few freckles on my upper back that I've always thought was beautiful.. That if I wasn't me, I'd find it beautiful about me. I also have a freckle on the inside of my shoulder and outside of my collarbone, I've always like that too... My eyes are a really unique color and I have full eyelashes that curl on their own when graced with mascara. I understand these are traits NOT effected by weight but, baby steps right? My body is imperfect, but perfection is a myth remember? So I guess that makes my body completely acceptable.

Perfectly imperfect.

Second Times a Charm?

I've just completed my first week back in treatment. Hi I'm Stacey, and I have binge eating disorder (just like the meetings right?). I'm doing IOP (intensive outpatient program) again. My eating disorder was disrupting my life. I fell off my recovery horse, and now I'm hopping back on that bad boy! Recovery is a crooked road, right? That's what they say anyway. I'm pretty sure my road made a pit stop in no mans land for a little while.

I've been struggling with the thought of "second time around" when I first went PHP (partial hospitalization) where I stayed about a month (it's expensive) I met a lot of people who where not only in for a second time, but they've been in multiple times. "What?" I thought. They already knew what it was. They knew why they were struggling and how to fix it. Why couldn't they just 'get it' the first time? I told myself "only once for me! Now that I know I have an eating disorder, now that I've learned about them and how to fix it, this will be it!"... HA. Wanna hear God laugh? Tell him your plans.

Turns out this isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It seems silly to think of it that way, but I honestly thought I'd be an exception. That, somehow, 20 years of an eating disorder would just melt away with a little explaining and knowledge on the subject. NOPE. I was treated for 6 months ( PHP and IOP) in Arizona. I've since moved back to Maryland. I spent a good 4 months at my mother house (trigger central) It's been a year since I lived with her, and I feel like I regressed to the beginning of my recovery again. The only difference is this time I KNOW I have an eating disorder, and what it means to have one. This puts me at a pretty good advantage, now I just have to get my behaviors under control.

I guess what I'm getting to here how making the phone call felt like admitting defeat. That my ED won. Little does my eating disorder know, picking up the phone was the strongest thing I've done in a year and a half. Well I think Ed is onto me, my behaviors have increased because Ed feels threatened. Things usually get harder before they get better. Recovery Road took a sharp left today but I know in my heart it will straighten out. I know because I will make it straighten out.



No where worth getting to was an easy journey.

The hardest love is love of self

We are our own worst enemy, our worst critic. This is true for everyone, but even more so to those who struggle with addiction of any kind. Whether you are fighting an eating disorder, drugs, alcohol, or anyone who struggled with codependency. Or perhaps all of these. The reason why we rely on things or people outside of ourselves for comfort in the first place is because someone along the way told us or treated us like we weren't the awesome people we really are. We don't love ourselves the way we were born to.

Each of us were born precious and innocent. And for many of us someone didn't appreciate or give us the nurturing that we needed. We were born perfectly imperfect. We still are perfectly imperfect, but why can't I see it when I look in the mirror?

Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way since was first treated a year ago. I used to really hate looking in the mirror. My head was filled with ED thoughts, so ugly, fat, worthless, disgusting, stupid. The list goes on and on. I never looked in the mirror and liked myself as a whole. I say, well I have a pretty face, if it wasn't so round. I like my eyes, nose, mouth, and my hair. Those are the acceptable parts about me, I can like those because they aren't effected by weight gain.

After 6 months of treatment and on going therapy over that last year, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I wake up and hate what I see in the mirror. Ill let ED run my brainspace. However, somedays I can look at myself and be okay with my size and know that there is more to see than my clothing size.

It's really hard to not see all of my outside flaws when growing up that's what my mother was focused on. Listen, I love my mother because she gave me life, and I respect that, but I always thought she was too selfish to have children. She is obsessed with her body and how it is never good enough and since my body wasn't to her standards pretty much ever in my life she obsessed about mine too.

I feel a little guilty blogging about this because it happens to be Mothers Day, but I did take her out for a nice lunch which didn't end up being as painful as I thought. It was hard to sit across from her and eat because I know how judgmental she is. She is currently doing another round of the HCG diet because she is going on vacation in a few weeks. So she only eats like once a day and I was happy she saved her only meal for the day to be lunch with me. She is always on a diet. It's so infuriating. The woman is 50 years old 5.2 and all of 125 lbs!! She doesn't need a diet. Se needs a freakin cookie.. or 10. She is a fitness instructor.. She literally works out for hours every day, but that is part of her illness.

My mother doesn't love herself. In turn she didnt teach me to love myself. It's amazing how much a mother can influence her child. This is one of the biggest reasons I want to have kids. I want to raise a child and teach them to love themselves, but I first must love myself before I can teach my kids self love.

I could ramble on all day about the things I need to do, but how do I actually do it? Me, personally I turn to my higher power, mine is God. I'm a Christian. Whatever you believe in, doesn't matter to me.. To each his own. Just whatever you believe in, have faith. Strong faith. I actually just received an email from my therapist about retraining my brainspace of all the negative things I was told and learned to believe about myself and look to Jesus and what he has said about me. And by "me" I mean of what he believed about the human race.

They say we esteem ourselves by what we think the most important person in our life thinks about us. I can tell you that for me personally this is true. My mom was the most important person I my life growing up, and it's like that for a lot of people. We remember what our parents have said to us, good and bad. For me personally I seem to only remember the bad, I'm more than positive my mother said good things about me along the way, but the negative ones stuck more. Negative is more devastating. When I was 10 my mother told me that fat girls aren't pretty. She was angry with me when she said it, if I stepped on the scale and didn't loose weight she was always angry. But to this day I remember that.. What she was wearing, she was getting ice from the freezer, and as she was opening it she turned her head and said one of the most insulting things she has ever said to me "fat girls aren't pretty Stacey, no one loves fat girls, they don't get married" sometimes I think I keep myself in my ED just to spite her. I have always been proving her wrong. Maybe I feel the need to find love from someone else this way to prove to her what she told me 14years ago was wrong.

"No one loves a fat girl" I think this single statement from my mother is part of the reason I haven't been able to love myself. As I was taught.. It was never about personality.. It's either you are skinny or you are fat and you only received love when you are skinny. I have been overweight my entire life. Literally I have never remembered a time when I was average sized and this is the message I got. No wonder I've never been able to love myself.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and give myself some credit. Honestly I never had a chance growing up in the environment I did. Look who I had as an example! My mother obsessed with dieting (she put me on my first at age 6) and was never on her own. She has been divorced 4 times and is now married to her 5th. She could never be alone. I didn't need to be an adult to see she only loved herself when someone else's loved her, and this is part of the reason why her marriages never lasted. I grew up thinking this was life! This is how it is done.

No, no, no. If I do anything right in this life, I will break the cycle. I am learning to love myself, even though it is the hardest love to learn. But I will do it. I'll have a couple kids and I will love them, no matter how short, tall, skinny, big, no matter what color eyes, no matter what. I will love them, because they are made in Gods image, because they are mine, because deserve unconditional love, because they are human. We all deserve that.

You are the only you that you have, love yourself. Cause you're awesome.

India.Arie

A friend recomended this song to me, It helps with my body image issues. I wanted to share, even if you dont have body image issues, it's a great self love song.. enjoy (<3)

http://youtu.be/Mq86e4Fhja0

Hi :)

So I want to introduce myself. I'm Stacey, and I have binge eating disorder, and that is primarily what this blog is about. On May 4th 2012 I admitted myself into an IOP (intensive out-patient) program and want to share my experiences.. and reach out to anyone who may be struggling with an eating disorder.

B.E.D. is an eating disorder less recognized but in fact effect more men and women than anorexia and bulimia combined.. who-da-thunk-it right?

If you are anything like me you didn't know binging without purging is just as much as an illness and just as serious and anorexia and bulimia. I want to clarify that this is a serious illness and there is help! If you want it, you can get it. I am still in the early stages of recovery, and I encourage you to walk with me in my journey, I could use the support and maybe you could too if this is something you struggle with.

I have been in treatment for 10 days but I am to maintain my work and home life.. I go to my center 4 days a week for 3 and a half hours... its intense. I have struggled with B.E.D. for 17 years and I am 23 years old. I am reprogramming a lifetime of thoughts and behaviors. Its overwhelming but I'm hopeful because I took the first step. Now it's baby steps from here on out.

I encourage and welcome you to tell me your story I would love to hear it.

Until later.. put one foot in front of the other

Stacey :)